My father died unexpectedly, suddenly, and quickly on July 7, 2018. He was buried two days later on July 9. It remains shocking and surreal for me that he is gone. I plan to share some very personal reflections about the experience of saying kaddish for my father in this and subsequent blog posts – it’s hard to identify, articulate, and summarize all of my feelings and thoughts, but this is the beginning of an attempt.
For several years before he died, I hadn’t prayed or entered a synagogue for a host of issues that I have with religion, Judaism, traditional Judaism, Orthodox Judaism, non-Orthodox Judaism, and the behaviors and espoused beliefs of many people who identify with any of those labels (not an all-inclusive list by any means) and claim to speak for them.
At first, I didn’t know whether or not I wanted to recite kaddish for him.
This had nothing to do with my feelings for my father – it was entirely because of my own religious skepticism, cynicism, and disappointment, which I have been struggling with most acutely for the past several years. However, when it came down to it, I immediately and instinctively started going to services every day to recite kaddish.
My non-dati (religious and/or Orthodox) mother told me that she wouldn’t mind if I recited the kaddish for my father on my own, but that’s not the traditional Jewish way, and I can’t bring myself to recite kaddish by myself. I continue to feel uncomfortable in minyanim (prayer quorums), but I would feel more uncomfortable not saying kaddish for my father.
He was an atheist. He once told me that he could imagine that some non-sentient force connected all living creatures, but he did not believe in God in a traditional way. He had not recited kaddish for his father or mother because it wasn’t something that held meaning for him, and I don’t think he would particularly want me to recite it for him.
My father was profoundly connected to his Jewish identity, in what I would call a spiritual way. He told me on many occasions that when he made aliyah from the USSR in the mid-70’s and looked out upon the hilltops of Jerusalem, he could feel his ancestors traversing the hills with their camels. He felt in his depths that he was a Jew, and he felt in his depths that Israel is our Jewish homeland. I don’t connect to the Land of Israel in the same powerful way my father did, despite my having been born here and despite my living here today.
However, I feel a sense of personal responsibility to preserve our people. This is, first and foremost, what draws me to Jewish tradition – its staying power. The truth is quite clear to me – à la Ahad Ha’am (1856-1927):
More than the Jews have kept the Sabbath, the Sabbath has kept the Jews.
Shabbat to me represents the greater Jewish tradition, including the kaddish. Kaddish is what we do, and I have never encountered any compelling nor lasting Jewish alternatives.
I have realized that I share the human needs to commemorate and process my father’s death. This may go beyond the Jewish tradition. For example, Jewish men traditionally don’t shave their beards or get haircuts for the first thirty days after a close relative dies. Tomorrow, I am getting a haircut, but I am not emotionally ready to cut my beard short – I’ve decided to trim it but keep it long. My thirty days are over, but my beard makes me think of my father, and I am not ready to get rid of it.
Likewise, regardless of what kaddish means, and regardless of how I feel about Judaism, God, synagogues, tradition, etc., reciting kaddish every day is a major and inconvenient shift in my daily routine that reconnects me every day to my new, fatherless reality. This is one positive aspect of reciting kaddish, which speaks to me.
Raised in a family that has been secular for three generations, and not spiritually oriented by nature, I find myself seeking down-to-earth, practical meaning in my thrice daily recitation. I know that secular expressions of Jewish identity can be just as meaningful as religious expressions. However, history has shown me that our religious tradition holds the primary key to the preservation of the Jewish people, and the meaning that I derive from being Jewish is inextricably intertwined with my sense of responsibility to our people.
In this context, and given how central the kaddish is to Jewish tradition, I cannot imagine myself not reciting it. Firstly, nobody else in my family is going to do this every day for my father. Secondly, my commitment to Jewish tradition is greater than all of my misgivings and frustrations with Jews, Judaism, and God, of which I have many and which have kept me away from synagogues for the past several years.
Lastly, part of my personal struggle for the past several years has been my concern that my three-and-a-half-year-old daughter has had no connection to synagogue or communal Jewish life. I had not been able to bring myself to pray or attend synagogue services so her Jewish identity was entirely based upon our family life at home. She has grown up in a shomer shabbat home with a kosher kitchen, but the synagogue was beyond her remembered experience, and I had been pained that I was denying her that important connection to Judaism and Jewish peoplehood.
Ever since I returned home to Jerusalem from the shiva (first week of mourning) in the USA and started attending services at the synagogue, my daughter has regularly begun expressing her displeasure with my new daily routine. Her specific complaint to me, which she has articulated on more than one occasion, is not that she doesn’t want me to go to the synagogue. Rather, she has told me repeatedly that she doesn’t want me to go to the synagogue by myself.
And so, of her own volition, my three-and-a-half-year-old daughter has started attending synagogue services with me for Shabbat on Fridays and Saturdays, and she keeps on insisting that I should not go alone. That going to shul for Shabbat has become a part of her life is precious to me… even though I hadn’t had the strength for several years until now to go myself. She even knows that the prayer her abba’chka recites out loud at the synagogue is called “kaddish.”
55 thoughts on “The skeptic’s kaddish for the atheist, 1”
Cultural heritage is really meaningful. My parents both immigrated from The Netherlands to Canada. One day I plan to visit the The Netherlands and see where my heritage is from.
I’m interested to keep reading through your kaddish. I suspect that it may get heavy – I remember how intense my feelings were while grieving for my father after he passed away from cancer – so I’ll probably just read one post at time.
🙂 Nicole 🙂 ~ thanks so much for your interest and support! (and nice to meet you!)
I definitely agree with you – this kaddish series of mine is quite heavy – that year was heavy in general…
Take good care,
I believe we need to experience all sorts of things in order to decide the path that is truly meaningful for us. As an atheist myself, I am glad that my parents exposed me to all sorts of religious practices. That way, atleast I was able to understand my religion and the purpose which drives people to follow God to some extent. I am glad you are trying to do the same for your daughter.
❤️ 💞 Aditi 💞 ❤️
That’s exactly what I am trying to do! Thank you for sharing.
A lovely post David.. my husband was brought up a Catholic and I a protestant but we both lapsed as they say in our teens. My mother and father had religious services when they died although my father was not religious it brought comfort to my mother. I do love the fact that your daughter recognised that the process of grieving should be shared and adopted the role of comforter, what a lovely gesture and she is very special. Grief is different for everyone, but I have amazing memories of my life thanks to my parents and those memories are an amazing legacy left for us to enjoy. ♥
💓 Sally 💓 ~ thanks so much for your empathy and for sharing
Hello, David. I’ve noticed your likes on my poems and decided it was finally time to sit down and check out your site. Turns out your first name isn’t Ben, nor your last name Alexander, and you’re an amazingly prolific and thoughtful writer. I’m looking forward to dipping into more of your poetry and blogs and particularly this series about your kaddish year. Kudos on fostering poetry partnerships, and all the best in general and as you submit a poem to another publication this month. You can do it! Take care. Stephanie Malley
❤ Stephanie ❤ ~ thank you for your kindness. The kaddish series that led me to create this blog is pretty intense, and few people dip more than their toes in it – but I always say that if it touches even a single person, that would be profoundly meaningful to me.
BTW, your user name next to your comment doesn't link to your blog – if that's something you're interested in doing, I wrote a 'how to' here (I hope this is helpful):
Thank you, David, for the tip, which I’ve implemented. You’re a really encouraging and supportive blogger and poet. Peace to your heart! Stephanie
It is important to expose your daughter to her roots… in fact… it would be good to expose her to as many as possible of the diverse trees that grew out of the soil of God… regardless of your skepticism… her innate need to accompany you… speaks… how loud it will be…? Well… we can leave that to time… for as proof perfect… time is working its magic on you…
I feel your father understands… and would rejoice with his granddaughter…
❤ thanks so much, Ralph ❤
My father has been gone for 26 years. My lover eleven. What is time? What is missing someone? The rituals of grieving help in the short term but what helps as the months and years grind on? Some say that religion helps us cope with loss. Sometimes that works….sometimes it doesn’t. As Pablo Neruda wrote “Love is so short; forgetting is so long.” Thank you for sharing your pain. I wish the next twenty-three years pass easily for you.
I just try to take it day by day… Writing helps me, Cindy
Perhaps you have lost your father physically, but by courageously embracing the practice of Kaddish with your daughter you are able to have him in your lives spiritually. Grief is a mystery hard to comprehend. I’m sorry for your loss. Both my parents are gone, but a day doesn’t go by when I don’t think of them and feel they are near me in spirit. My mom was born Protestant (a converted Catholic), and my dad was Roman Catholic (French Canadian). In their married life going to church to sing in the choir and to make a connection with their small town community was important to them, although they understood the hypocrisy of organized religion. Carry on friend, in your faith, however that manifests itself. Thank you, for the education, and a beautiful story.
Tiffany – thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. I deeply appreciate them. And thank you for sharing a bit of your own memories and thoughts about your parents ❤
Much is written nowadays about “closure” and it is perhaps an overused term. I don’t know that it is a particularly apt one either: the loss of important people in our lives is never “closed”. But I imagine (though I know very little of Judaism and Jewish culture) that saying kaddish might help one deal with loss of a loved person. I hope that it has helped you.
I lost my father back in 2012. It was difficult to deal with the loss of the person in this world who probably understood me best.
Steve, I am sorry for your loss 😢
Kaddish, I think, did help me deal with my father’s death that year. Even now, knowing I went through the yearlong process is still somewhat comforting… But, then again, I don’t know what I would feel like if I hadn’t done it.
This is a post written two years back. But hope that in these two years you could recuperate with the loss. It was an intense and very meaningful read. And especially because you poured it out so honestly on your blog that it it felt deeply touching.
Duo, thank you so much. It’s hard to believe that 3 years have gone by since my father died 😦
Blessings on you and your family!
💚 thanks, Dawn 💚
Thank you for sharing. I am starting my blog after losing my husband. I hope I can be as honest and open as you have been in this post. Your sharing is helping others with grief and that is the hope I have for my blog as well.
You know, I don’t remember when/where I wrote about that, but it’s something that I realized eventually after I started blogging about losing my father – that it could be helpful for others too! A friend of mine was the one who suggested that to me, actually.
I’m really glad that you found something in it that speaks to you, and I’m really sorry to learn of your husband’s death 😦
You are in my thoughts.
Wow… This is rather deep and touching. Each and every one of us is on a journey, may yours teach you something new often.
Mike, it’s taught me a great deal! It was an intense year for me, to say the least.
Thanks so much.