You’re not my sunshine, or: You’re just a raincloud

The other night, jerk, as I stood thinking,
I knew you could not be my better half;
And as I fell asleep, I felt sure I was right;
I dreamed of freedom from you as I laughed

You’re just a raincloud, one ugly raincloud;
Your snivels upset when skies are blue;
You'll always feel, jerk, my deepest disdain;
Those useless teardrops know that it’s true

I'll always scorn you, and I’ll reject you,
Regardless of what you might think to say.
And if you float ‘round me, ‘stead of another,
You will have wasted all those tears away

You’re just a raincloud, one ugly raincloud;
Your snivels upset when skies are blue;
You'll always feel, jerk, my deepest disdain;
Those useless teardrops know that it’s true

You’ve always thought, jerk, we’d be together,
that nothing and no one could come between.
You follow me ev‘rywhere ~ go find another;
I see that I must rain all over your dreams

You’re just a raincloud, one ugly raincloud;
Your snivels upset when skies are blue;
You'll always feel, jerk, my deepest disdain;
Those useless teardrops know that it’s true

When I’m awake, jerk, you’re always whining;
When I can’t hear you, my mind is soothed.
When you are about, you just upset me;
You’re so damned clingy; I’ll always shun you.

You’re just a raincloud, one ugly raincloud;
Your snivels upset when skies are blue;
You'll always feel, jerk, my deepest disdain;
Those useless teardrops know that it’s true

dVerse — Poetics — Flipping Meanings

At d’Verse, we were prompted to pick one of these three pathways to use to write our poems:

  1. Choose one of your favorite poems by another poet and flip the meaning on it as shown in the video (see video below). Please include both the original poem and poet’s attribution along with your flipped poem;
  2. Choose one of your OWN favorite poems and flip it. Please include your original poem along with your flipped poem;
  3. Write a diamante poem

To be honest, I played a lot with flipping various different poems and songs, but all of my attempts felt very awkward to me, and I ultimately did not follow the prompt to the letter because I did not manage to flip every word of the original song, as we were instructed to do… I merely reversed the meaning of the song in its entirety.


You are my Sunshine

by Jimmie Davis (1899-2000)

The other night dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

I'll always love you and make you happy,
If you will only say the same.
But if you leave me and love another,
You'll regret it all some day:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

You told me once, dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between.
But now you've left me and love another;
You have shattered all of my dreams:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

40 thoughts on “You’re not my sunshine, or: You’re just a raincloud”

  1. This is fabulously done! 💝💝 This flip works so well here especially; “You’re just a raincloud, one ugly raincloud; your snivels upset when skies are blue” versus “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray.”

  2. This works very well. I get that you are just a raincloud, one ugly raincloud. I don’t it would be a word or verse reversal as yours evoke the contrasting emotions of love & sunshine. Well done.

  3. What an interesting choice David! I like what you did as dark as it has become! Just don’t let your wife read it!! LOL Well done.
    Dwight

  4. Wow..this got me singing in my head…. The same tune as the sunshine song.. Lol. Was a joy to read. 🌞❤️🎶🎁🌹

  5. Bravo David! yes it would have spoiled the rhythm had you stuck to word for word reversal – this one can still be sung to the same tune (as I did) though what a response! – in doing so you’ve created a ‘jerk’ so clingy and claustrophobic it makes the harsh words very understandable. I hope this is pure fiction!!

  6. I think you can’t flip every word and have the poem still make sense, so you did well here. I didn’t realise the guy who wrote the original lived so long! Two other songs spring to mind from your version ‘Get off my cloud’ and ‘Rain on my parade’ – who would want that raincloud around?

  7. HAH! Yes, I enjoyed this flip. It had figured out the tune by the second stanza and could not help humming the tune even as I read this pithy rant. The intermittent “Jerk” in opposite of “Dear” was inspired. *Applauds*

    1. Ravienne,

      I’m so glad you appreciate that. The word Jerk is actually the one I most struggled with – I wanted something that was not sexist or sexually suggestive… it wasn’t so easy to find something like that, which was only one syllable.


      David

  8. Creative spinning of the prompt, David. I wouldn’t have thought of song lyrics for it, but I think I’ve done that once or twice for fun. Definitely a different timbre between the two! Hopefully sunshine is on their horizon ❤

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