Regret, or: More often

Posted on by ben Alexander

A rispetto

I often relive my mistakes.
I often sense life has no point.
I often think I'm being too fake.
No one's left for me to disappoint.

I often curse under my breath.
I often imagine my death.
I often feel I'm not worth shit.
More often than I'd like to admit.

35 thoughts on “Regret, or: More often”

      1. Don’t mention it bA, I know the struggle. I’m happy to have found other men hashing out and willing to talk about it. I think, in the end, that’s what will save the next generation – openness.

  2. Beautiful, genuine, honest lament. David: I know this place well and when I was still captive to a religious world and thinking – that continually condemns – it almost killed me. I didn’t want to live at one point.

    Leaving that world and growing in a garden of love and grace is transforming me, as like you, I am daring to be honest and genuine with my struggles.

    This week I was diagnosed with an incurable heart condition. Those accusing tongues were having a field day. Until I wrote out a lament – encouraged to do so by things others shared about their own struggles. When I waited to listen for Love’s response it stunned me and left me in tears. That weight of condemnation and shame lifted. I felt so held. And right in the midst of that as my tears finally flowed freely, my husband and then later my eldest daughter walked in and we were able to unburden all our hearts and hold each other.

    It takes courage to come into the light. Courage born in love and grace for all. Keep being real. It blesses me.

    1. Anna, I’m deeply sorry to learn of your health condition. Will you be taking special medication?

      I’m glad, though, that you are in a forgiving, nurturing, loving world now… That’s so wonderful 🥰

      I’m almost afraid to ask, but are you saying those voices were blaming you for your heart condition ⁉️

      💖
      David

      1. Thanks, David. Yes, I’ve been taking meds for a few months now, but will be seeing my cardio soon about the new test results and what other meds I can take.

        Yes! I am so thankful for that nurturing and loving environment too. So thankful I am not where I once was.

        No: the voices were directed at what I will leave behind to my girls and husband. But what I heard in response reminded me that what I will leave behind is light and love. Funny how the hardest of situations bring such beauty, drawing us even closer together with those we love. 😊

        I am seeing now that those very accusations are just making me ever stronger – as I put my roots down into love. Laments are such a powerful weapon: bringing our fears and grief into the light, just like your namesake King David 😉 and listening for love’s response. I love the Psalms for that very reason.

  7. Wow! Yeah this one resonates loud and clear with a many creative creatures. It’s impossible to appreciate the sweet if we’ve never experienced the bitter sour.
    🖤~Kris

  10. It’s the down side of being a creative I think. We have to wade through the mire to find the treasure that finds voice in our creative efforts.

    1. That’s a really positive take, Suzanne – I actually agree with you! When I was writing this, I thought to myself that a lot of poets can probably relate to these particular words…

      ❤
      David

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